Don’t Blow It
We’re just 3 days away from real Valentine’s Day and 4 days away from “Your Husband’s Birthday Is Valentine’s Day So February 15th Is Now Valentine’s Day” Valentine’s Day. As such, I thought I’d help you out with a list of acceptable* Valentine’s Day offerings in order to save you from the awkward silence that follows receiving a can of kidney beans (just because they’re red doesn’t mean it’s okay).
*Please note I was ecstatic over a new washer and dryer so it’s a real possibility I have no idea what constitutes an acceptable Valentine’s Day gift.
For The Ladies
Good: chocolate
Bad: Spam (even if it’s covered in chocolate)
Good: dinner
Bad: no dinner
Good: Victoria’s Secret gift card (We will buy yoga pants; you will be okay.)
Bad: straight up lingerie (Don’t EVER try to guess a woman’s lingerie size – the only result will be the exact opposite of what’s happening in your head movies.)
Good: maid service
Bad: a vacuum
Good: a spa day
Bad: a gym membership (unless it’s something fancy like yoga or barre and she’s mentioned it every day of her life for the past 6 months)
For the Gentlemen
Good: boozeahol of choice
Bad: flavored water
Good: French press and coffee supplies
Bad: picnic supplies
Good: hot sauce/beer/meat/whatever of the month club
Bad: anything with a heart on it
Good: magazine subscription
Bad: cologne
Good: a watch
Bad: a Pandora bracelet
And one last note: I like to think this goes without saying, but I know better – when you say you’re not doing gifts this year, she’s lying. She’s going to get you something small so unless you’re an idiot, you better show up with at least a card and a candy bar. Or some Girl Scout cookies. Holy crap I’m a genius. Scratch everything above. Girl Scout cookies are the only acceptable Valentine’s Day gifts. You can thank me later.
Soybeans, Too 