Soybeans, Too

Back Home Again in Indiana

Forest Bathing

I recently stumbled upon the concept of forest bathing and immediately booked my flight off this planet. What is forest bathing? I’m so glad you asked.

Forest bathing, as it turns out, has nothing to do with soap and water and everything to do with paying someone to tell you how to hang out in the woods. Basically you take a guided walk through the woods, stopping periodically to sit and “be present” while the aromatherapy of the trees works its magic. Rumor is forest bathing is on its way to being a huge wellness trend for 2015.

I cannot even begin to describe how angry I am right now. Am I angry because we’re such disasters of human beings that we’re now paying someone to make us to sit still in the woods? No. Am I angry because I can’t stand the smell of pine trees and will therefore never be able to fully revel in what all the cool kids are doing? A little. But what I’m mostly angry about is I can’t tell you how many times Jesse and I went for a walk through the woods last year, and I never charged him to follow me along that therapeutic path. Not once! But you can bet that’s about to change.

From here on out, you want to walk through the woods with me, that’ll be $500. (Unless it’s bug season. Then it’s $5,000.) What do you get for your $500(0)? For starters, I’m pretty good at yelling at people to shut up so I guarantee you peace and quiet outside of the few seconds it takes me to yell, “Shut up!” I’m also pretty good at yelling at people to stop moving around so on top of the peace and quiet, I guarantee you plenty of human statue time. And most importantly, I’ve just invested in those pine tree car air fresheners you see in only the most luxurious of vehicles. I’ll be turning them into necklaces for you to wear during your forest bathing experience so you can double up on conifer aromatherapy. Think of it as BOGO on air.

There is one thing I don’t guarantee, however, and that is that all of this isn’t a load of crap. Then again, you’re the one willing to pay $500(0) to hang out in the woods. Who am I to argue?

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This entry was posted on March 3, 2015 by in Uncategorized and tagged .
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