9 Things I Have Yet To Master
There was something in the show prep the other day about things you shouldn’t own after age 30. It was a pretty solid list with a lava lamp making the top 5, and it reminded me of all the 20 Things You Should Learn In Your 20s, 30 Things You Should Be Able To Do By 30, etc. listicles floating around that do nothing but make you feel like captain of the failboat. So in honor of my birthday Saturday (it’s okay – I keep forgetting, too), I put together a little gift for you – a list of 9 Things Functional Adults Have Mastered But I Still Can’t Do At Almost 32 (32 things seemed like more than I should be willing to admit to).
Blow my nose without my ears feeling like they’re going to explode. Sesame Seed may not be the only one using the snot sucker.
Swallow pills with just water. I’m like a dog – there has to be food involved.
Sweep the floor without the dustpan dirt line. This is why I exclusively use the vacuum – even on the linoleum.
Fold a fitted sheet. To be fair, this involves a fair amount of witchcraft, and I’m just a sad Muggle.
Back into a parking space. Again, the witchcraft/Muggle thing comes into play.
Iron. I tend to put in more wrinkles than I take out.
Go to the dentist/doctor/eye doctor without needing a Valium. This pregnancy thing has been every bit as interesting as you’re thinking.
Get my car washed more than once a year. Part of the problem is I’m convinced it’s a waste of money since it will always rain/snow/weather the next day, but a bigger part of the problem is I make Jesse drive me around on the weekend so I can call him Chauncey and pretend I’m rich.
Simple math without counting on my fingers. There should be shame here, but there isn’t.
Actually, there’s little to no shame with this entire list. Which is probably 99% of the problem.
Soybeans, Too 