Soybeans, Too

Back Home Again in Indiana

Birth Control

You really want to cut down on teenage pregnancies? Let me talk to the teenagers. Keep doing what you’re doing with teaching them about birth control, condoms and all that, but then let me at them. I’ll be like Tony Robbins except instead of yelling “YES YOU CAN”, I’ll be yelling “YOU REALLY DON’T WANT TO HERE’S WHY.”


Is anyone telling these kids your adorable fresh baby may or may not poop on the wall the first night home? Poop. On. The. Wall. Do you know what a feat that is? Do you know how disgusting that is to clean up? You’re about to.

Has anyone warned the youth of America that the younger youth of America has a penchant for losing their tiny little minds for no reason? Here’s the waffle you specifically asked for. . .cue meltdown. The fog’s touching you. . .cue meltdown. You can’t fit in the shoebox. . .cue meltdown. You can’t take a bath right now. . .cue meltdown. Good times all around.

Did anyone explain to these children that the thoughtfully knitted blankets they receive as gifts will be puked and pooped on? And that the way to clean these thoughtfully knitted blankets is with a thoughtful handwash so you’re spending your evening literally handwashing poop? It’s exactly as fun as it sounds.

And let’s not forget the sleepless nights that stretch on for eternity for no real reason other than to remind you you’re not the one running this show, being straight up vomited on (and I don’t mean spit up), and all the other nonsense I don’t even know about because my kid’s not even 2 yet.

Now obviously, at the end of the day, all this garbage that’s not mentioned in one single parenting book is worth it because baby snuggles and toddler hugs make everything better. . .but I wouldn’t tell the teenagers that.

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This entry was posted on September 7, 2017 by in Uncategorized and tagged , , .
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