Soybeans, Too

Back Home Again in Indiana

No Girls Allowed

When I get overwhelmed with the buckets of testosterone being thrown around my house, Jesse likes to tell me we need to have a daughter to balance it out. Every time he says this, I scream NOOOOOOOO!!! I always scream it in my head, but somehow he can still hear it.

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Here’s the thing: I’m sure having a daughter would be delightful, but I think I would make a terrible girl mom. Mostly because I make a terrible girl. You know those girls who come out of the womb with a curling wand in one hand and a makeup bag in the other? I am not one of them. I came out with shoes in one hand and confusion in the other.

It took me 33 years to figure out how to curl my hair. I had no idea different sized curling irons gave you different sized curls. I was completely baffled by the concept of curling it in a way that curled all the hair, not just flipped the ends under. Hell, up until a year or so ago I was still putting crimps at the ends because I couldn’t figure out which way the curling iron was supposed to go.

I’m not one of those girls who gets a pedi every week or however often the FDA recommends. I get a pedi maybe once every 30 years or so, and there’s a lot of sanding involved. I tip big because that poor nail tech is definitely headed for PTSD.

I convinced my mom to start letting me wear makeup in 6th grade (7th grade?), and it’s still beyond my levels of comprehension. I will never in my life master finding the right shade of foundation/concealer (does it even come that pale?), let alone the proper application techniques. I’m physically incapable of applying mascara to my lower lashes without getting it on/below/all around the lash line (which is as close as I’ll ever get to perfecting a smokey eye), and I remain convinced contouring is witchcraft.

Skincare in general blows my mind. How do you use a serum? What even is a serum? If I rub an orange on my face, is that the same amount of vitamin C? What if I peel it first? And we haven’t even broached the topics of fashion or home decor. Stitch Fix and interior designers were brought into this world for people like me.

Like I said, I would be a disaster as a girl mom. The best we could hope for in that scenario is that she would come out with girl knowledge in one hand and patience for teaching her mother in the other.

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This entry was posted on May 3, 2018 by in Uncategorized and tagged , .
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