I Was Dumb
When I was preggers I had so many thoughts on what type of mom I would be. I would make my own baby food, I would breastfeed for a year, I would never once forget to give my child his vitamin (and it certainly wouldn’t go hand in hand with M&M’s as a bribe). Fast forward to now and can we just talk about what an idiot I was?
We can start with the making my own baby food. First of all, where the hell did I think I was going to find the time for that nonsense??? Second of all, my child was the king of refusing any and all baby food. He’d eat it at school but he’d be damned if he’d eat it at home. Occasionally we could get some oatmeal or carrots down, but mostly he just refused it and it wound up in the trash. And for that, I’ll be forever grateful making my own baby food never happened. I was annoyed enough by throwing the $1 jar of baby food in the trash; I can’t imagine how annoyed I would have been throwing actual effort in the trash.
Speaking of food, pre-kid me swore she’d steer clear of the kids’ menu when we went to restaurants. I wanted him to have real, healthy(ish) food, not chicken nuggets and french fries. I’ve since learned exactly why chicken nuggets and french fries are on every single kids’ menu – because they’re the only thing kids will even pretend to eat. My child subsists on 98% garbage food, especially at restaurants. The first few times we went to Chipotle I got Boogser the side of fruit instead of the chips, and he proceeded to eat nothing except a few finger fulls of guac. I now get him the chips because I know that if he eats nothing else, he’ll eat that which means he’ll wait at least 15 minutes before asking for a snack rather than asking before we’ve even left the restaurant. There are even times his entire meal is nothing but tots, and I let it happen because honestly, it’s just easier (it helps that I know he eats like a champ at school).
Pre-kid me also swore she’d shut down the screen time. Ha. Haha. Hahahahahahahaha. We actually do try to keep it at the hour or less that’s recommended for his age, but let’s just say this kid was also watching Cops straight out of the womb. It was actually one of the few things that would calm him down when he was screaming his fool newborn head off (what this says about his future can’t be good). Kid on the outside me realizes that sometimes screen time is the only way I can do things like make dinner or get him to come inside when he’s clearly close to being overheated. So yes, my child will probably be the ADHD jerk child, but at least we were all fed and nobody died of heatstroke.
There’s so much more that I have preconceived notions about like how daycare’s going to potty train him for me (let me have this misguided belief for just a little longer) or how I’ll handle his driver’s license (he’s never getting one), but I’m smart enough to know now that however I think it’s going to go, it’s actually going to go the opposite. And since that stresses me the hell out, I’m taking some of the best advice my mom ever gave me and I’ll just cross that bridge when I get there (assuming he doesn’t set it on fire first).
Soybeans, Too 