Trust No One
There are two types of people: the ones you can trust and the shady ones. I remain generally skeptical of everyone (including myself), but I’m especially skeptical of anyone who falls into any of these categories.
Cat people. Studies have proven cats are assholes*. So if you like hanging out with cats, you like hanging out with assholes which means birds of a feather blah blah blah you’re probably an asshole, too, and we can’t be friends. You can try to argue with me here, but this line of reasoning has been scientifically and mathematically proven with a little something called the transitive property. Look it up.
People who legit miss high school. Why anyone would miss the days of gym class, cafeteria food (other than pizza day obviously), and awkward encounters in general is beyond me. These people are most likely incredibly athletic and/or incredibly extroverted – aka aliens and not to be trusted.
Cubs fans. See cat people above but replace “cats” with “Cubs fans”.
98 Degrees fans. When given the option of Backstreet Boys (clear winner), N*Sync, and these random dudes, the 98 Degrees fans are the people who chose the wrong side of history. Did they even live through the 90s? Keep an eye on them.
Anyone who claims they didn’t start living until their kids were born. So were you like a zombie all those years – kind of alive but not really? Because then you’re probably still a zombie. I could be wrong about that, though, because I’m not 100% on how zombies work, but I feel fairly confident saying popping out a baby does not take you from zombie to human. Something about your story smells like you’re actually a zombie, and I’ll be keeping my distance.
3 year olds. This subset of human is crazy unreliable. They’ll tell you things like how having a hangnail means the tooth fairy had to come take their finger like this is something that actually happened in their life, but you know it didn’t because a) you’re looking at all 10 of their fingers as the lies flow from their mouth and b) you know for a fact that the tooth fairy does not collect fingers. Never trust a 3 year old.
*Mom, I apologize for offending your innocent eyes, but “jerk” just isn’t a strong enough word here.
Soybeans, Too 